Friday, May 14, 2010

stand or fly

We sipped wine and the waves hit loudly against the nearby stretch of sand. Flames from the restaurant's heat lamp kept us warm in the cool evening breeze.

And we had a conversation so full of things we've discussed with other friends in different ways for the past few years...

what, where, who, why, when? how?

The topic that twenty-somethings return to again and again. Especially, I find, single twenty-somethings.

One of the questions that tugs the most can be the "who?" For my friend, it is at the forefront of her mind right now.

And I've been there. I will be again. It's not my question at the moment, but I have learned some valuable things during those times that it was and I know what to watch out for.

So I told her how it feels like when you know you're loved beyond doubt. When you can look at someone else and be incredulous together about your love. When they aren't afraid to talk about the future. When someone thinks you're the most interesting person they've ever met, and you think that about them. Or when they simply just don't want to let you go if you're lying down for a nap and you just need to get up for some water.

And she and I discussed together, what things do we need? What can we let go of? And when do you stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt and realize that they're just not that into you?

Is it too much to overcome if he's this way and I'm that way?

Regarding these questions, I think I've come a long way in figuring out the answer in many cases. Still have some learning to do.

I hope my friend, and the rest of my girls who have yet to find someone, can figure out their answers too.

"She kept asking if the stories were true and I kept asking her if it mattered and we finally gave up -- she was looking for a place to stand and I wanted a place to fly."
-Brian Andreas

Don't let yourself be tied to the ground if your wings are aching to catch the wind.

Monday, May 10, 2010

silver wings

Roald Dahl will help me with this post...

"I've heard tell that what you imagine sometimes comes true."

So I sat on my couch last July and was researching and when I found it, my pulse quickened.

I can do this masters program. One year. Free tuition. An adventure in Sweden. This can happen.

"Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it's unbelievable..."

It's amazing how time flies while it still takes you to so many places and carries you along while you scramble to get a million things done.

And then, a couple days ago, the emails flooded my inbox. I was accepted to the program. My dream program, ready and waiting for me in the south of Sweden. Now if only I can make it happen.

"We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it."

When I began the journey, while it seemed outrageous and lofty, it simultaneously felt like the most logical and natural thing for me to do, combining all these things that I needed, longed for, and knew would take me to great opportunities and a better version of myself. And I knew that reaching for it would allow me the chance to fail. Failure... I hate it. I'm not used to it. Life here, in the past couple of years, hasn't given me much opportunity to experience it. But I knew it was time to change that. I'm terrified and ecstatic... and proud of myself that I looked for and found the less traditional option, the path less traveled.

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

I hope I can arrange the finances to make it happen. In the past couple days, my worry has been outweighing my action. If I can reverse that... and end up biking along cobblestone streets to my university, reading in cafes with classmates from around the world, and exploring the rocky shores of the Swedish coast with my dear friends... wow. My imagination bursts with this real opportunity for adventure.

"You seemed so far away," Miss Honey whispered, awestruck.
Oh, I was. I was flying past the stars on silver wings," Matilda said. "It was wonderful."

Friday, May 7, 2010

pink bubbly

We found a perfect spot by the water. We spread our blankets out. Out of the bags came our crab, chicken, and chinese salads, some cheese, strawberries, and of course, bottles of champagne. We brought out the speakers, hooked up the ipod, and turned on the tunes. A late afternoon, last day of April sun shone down, it felt perfect on our bare shoulders and legs.

Everything then was so unknown and yet the moment couldn't have been happier. A rolling tide of joy rose up, inspired by the setting and the food and the fact that I was sitting around dear dear friends who have meant so much to me in the past year.

Friends who sing Disney songs at the top of their lungs while we walk downtown in the night.

...who help me when I don't know how to ask for it.

...who know the people I have known and can understand.

...who pull me out of my occasional hesitance and into epic and sometimes mischievous memories.

...who wrap their arms around me so tight when they saw I needed it. I didn't have to talk or move, they just held me hard and close. I wouldn't have expected that from them, I can't even do that for those I'm close to most times, but they did, and it was the perfect thing to do.

And we toasted several times, to various things, and since summer is close, the sun still kept shining. We sang into pretend microphones to so many songs, and the one I remember most was this one:

"and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding."

Winding or straight... well-lit or not... this is a good road.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


"So will you still be here in the fall? We'd love for you to stay on with us!"

"And Corinne, what are you looking for in a relationship? Something serious? Or...?"

"Will you be in town for Fiesta?"

"What will you do if you don't get into the program?"

"Why wouldn't you play kickball next fall?"

"Shouldn't you buy new cleats?"

"Want to see John Mayer at the end of August?"

"Can you come to this wedding next spring?"

"Are you interested in this other job? It's not where you want to end up but it's really awesome..."

"If you went to Sweden when would you go? If you didn't study there how long could you stay?"

"What is new?"

"How do you feel?"

"You're complicated."

To every question, every comment... I don't know. All these in the past couple weeks. Sometimes from people who know I'm up in the air, sometimes from strangers or people who don't know what I'm up to.

And I just. don't. know.

In a couple weeks I probably will. And any which way things will go, I'm getting really scared, because the changes are coming either way, and change has NEVER not been for the better but it remains ABSOLUTELY terrifying when it holds the most major things in your life in its hands.

visual diary

Coachella... as I saw it.